LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT

To say that I’ve had a life filled with drama, challenges and adversity would be an understatement. Where I’ve come from isn’t important. It’s where I now find myself and where I’m headed that really matters. I was born into an alcoholic and abusive family and walked into a very turbulent marriage at the tender age of 18. I’ve blogged about my experiences within that paedophile family. My subsequent two marriages were both to drug-addicts. In 2007 I found myself in an Arab jail in Bahrain after a business deal went belly-up and my business partner felt I should rather be in jail than be in an opposition business. As my readers know, that was a very low point in my life, which was followed by a very deep depression. I literally had to start over again, with a huge smear campaign hanging over my head. But I got up, brushed myself off and started again, determined that my ex Arab business partner, Hejris Al Shirawi was not going to get the better of me.

Fast forward to five years later.

I am living proof that you can turn your life around and find inner peace and happiness. This journey has been the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. It has required daily self evaluation, determination and a willingness to commit to a healthy and more balanced life. Today I can honestly say that I have found that inner peace and happiness which eluded me my whole life. I work in an industry that I love and am very passionate about. I have had a fair measure of success doing what I love. I am surrounded by loving and supportive friends. I get to travel a great deal as part of my job, which is another passion of mine. And I get to write about my life experiences, which I find very cathartic and liberating. Other women who have had similar experiences to mine find my blogs very helpful and therapeutic. And most importantly, I’ve learned to make better relationship choices.

Life is what you make of it. When you can take a hard look at yourself in the mirror and work on overcoming your weaknesses, when you make an internal decision to be happy and follow through no matter what challenges may present themselves to you and when you live in daily gratitude for all the wonderful people and things in your life, you start to realize that life is wonderful and exciting. In life there are good days and bad days. You can’t have one without the other. What’s important is how you choose to handle all the challenges that come your way.

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

I MARRIED A PAEDOPHILE'S SON

"It is a grave disservice to the heart, soul, body and spirit of a woman when she is given the subtle message that the truth of her own pain is not as important as the reputation of the ones who inflict it." Hilary McFarlane, Quivering Daughters.

I still cannot believe I married the son of a paedophile. Had I known when I was walking down that aisle at the tender age of eighteen of the horrors that lay hidden in that family of child molesters, I would have turned around and run like hell! But I didn’t know because child molesters don’t advertise it to the world and this particular family did everything in their power to keep their activities a secret. The family I married into comprised of a paedophile (who molested his own and other children in the community) so-called born-again Christian wife (who knowingly fed the children to him to satisfy his twisted sexual appetite) and my husband's four sisters. Mine is a shocking and controversial story. It is only in recent years that I have come to a place where I am comfortable talking about my horrendous first marriage and the warped people I have had to deal with my entire life. I am sharing this story to illustrate how easy it is for young women to get sucked into abusive marriages. Fortunately I got out of this marriage and managed to move on with my life. But there are many women out there who are not so lucky, and for whatever reason they stay in abusive marriages. This is my story and I share it in the hopes that women trapped in abusive marriages will recognize the symptoms and get out.

I was sixteen years old when I met my husband, several years my senior. I was a high school dropout and living in a small flat in Grahamstown at the time. By eighteen I was naively walking down the aisle, like a lamb to the slaughter with no idea of the abuse, coercion and terror that awaited me in that marriage and family. Soon after the marriage I was subjected to ridicule, judgments and criticism from my husband’s family. If we had an argument he would take all the intimate information to the rest of them and they would deliberate about my guilt. My father-in-law was an aggressive and violent alcoholic with a history of physical abuse. One evening my drunken father-in-law kissed me and stuck his tongue in my mouth while trying to fondle me. I freaked out and went to find my husband, who was also drunk. When I tried to explain to him what had happened he just laughed and brushed it off. At the time I found the enmeshment and lack of boundaries of that family very strange, but I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole went!

Nine month after our marriage my daughter was born. My husband made it clear that I was not permitted to work because he felt my place was at home with my baby. One day my husband returned home from work and announced he’d just bought a house on a small-holding 5 kilometres out of Grahamstown. I was dumb-struck. I couldn’t believe that he had made such a major decision without discussing it with me! For the first 6 months of my daughter’s life I was often left alone on the 5 hectare small-holding with no transport while he went off on extended fishing and hunting trips with his friends. On one such occasion our small home was broken into by two youths. Fortunately my husband had left his pistol at home and I was able to defend myself against the attackers. I managed to apprehend one of the youths and called the police who took him into custody.

Our marriage was very turbulent. My husband never helped me care for the baby and was always out at parties and was often drunk and abusive. When I fell pregnant again my husband was furious and said the only reason I had had sex with him was to fall pregnant. It was at that stage that I came upon a massive pornographic collection which he had hidden high up in his wardrobe. The material was graphic, violent and disturbing and I left the house in a state. I left a note behind saying I had found his collection. He was furious and threatened to kill me. A friend had to intervene and calm him down before I could return home. The very friend he later admitted to being in love with! He would blatantly flirt with other women in front of me and often told me that I could never fulfil his sexual fantasies (I never dared to ask him what they were, especially after seeing the disturbing porno collection.) His mother and four sisters continued to interfere in our marriage and I became more and more hated and disapproved of. My father-in-law decided to retire from farming and asked my husband to take over his 115 hectare farm in Kenton-on-Sea. Only years later did I realize that the very bed we slept in was the same bed many children were sexually molested in by my father-in-law. Just thinking about it today turns my stomach. Around the time of my husband’s older sister’s marriage, some very disturbing news broke.

Our young niece had confided to her parents that my father-in-law (her grand-father) had sexually abused her for years. Two of my husband’s sisters also admitted to being sexually abused by him their whole childhoods and my niece’s mother admitted to me that my mother-in-law knew about the abuse but never did anything to stop it. My husband denied having been sexually abused but said he distinctly remembered his father rubbing his erect penis against his back in bed when he was a child! I completely fell apart at this news because a few months previously I had been bullied into leaving my toddler with my in-laws when my husband insisted on us going away for the weekend with friends. Upon returning home and collecting my toddler, she was very upset and unsettled. When I tried to wash her genitals in the bath that night she cried and indicated she was sore down there. The next day I took her off to my GP who felt that my daughter had been sexually molested. When I told my husband he said I was crazy and imagining everything. So of course when the news broke of the sexual abuse in the family I raised my concerns that my daughter had also been abused as well and everyone violently gunned me down. I approached a lawyer as I wanted to sue the bastard and was told that I needed evidence and witnesses. My husband and his sisters told me that they would do everything to protect their father and would go as far as to lie under oath if I subpoenaed them to court. Things went downhill very fast after that. Despite the news breaking out about all the incest, my mother-in-law remained steadfastly at her husband’s side and things were conveniently pushed under the carpet. At that stage I was convinced that she was part of the sexual abuse, that she permitted it and even encouraged it, but of course everyone told me I was wrong, that she could not possibly have known about it. My sister-in-law’s admission to me that her mother knew was also conveniently forgotten and I was branded a liar and a drama queen. But over the years the evidence has become overwhelmingly obvious. Yet to this day the family violently protects my ex mother-in-law. The Matriarch of a cultic family is very powerful indeed.

Soon after the news broke, my husband and I attended a friend’s birthday party on a nearby farm. I was heavily pregnant with my son at that stage and most uncomfortable. When I communicated to my husband that I was having severe back ache, he sent me to the car like a child and told me to go and have a nap. I took my daughter along and tried to get comfortable in the car, to no avail. After an hour or so I went back to collect the car keys as I wanted to leave and go home, and found my husband clutched in another woman’s arms and fondling her. I was furious. I grabbed the keys from him, jumped in the car and stormed off into the middle of the night, hoping I’d find my way home on the gravel back roads of the farm we were visiting. At two o’clock that morning he arrived home, drunk as a skunk and yelling abuses at me, followed by slaps and shoving me onto the floor where he kicked me in the back. I put up a fight and eventually he called his mother and told her that if she didn’t come over immediately, he would kill me.

Two months later my son was born and I knew that I had to find a way out of this nightmare family, or my own kids would become further victims of the sexual and emotional incest. I didn’t realize it back then, but I’d married into a cultic family of the most twisted kind!

PART TWO

Hilary McFarlane is the author of “Quivering Daughters”. I stumbled upon her work when I was researching information on cultic families. She describes a family cult as a high demand family group which operates by incorporating authoritarian control, thought reform, and other cult means with spiritual, emotional and often physical and sexual abuse. She further explains that family members trying to break free from the hold essentially get cut off from their very own blood. I recently saw this when my nephew spoke out about the incest in that family. His own mother completely cut him and his children off.

Living on a remote farm in Kenton-on-Sea in 1986 with neighbours far away was very stressful for me, as I had no support system and no friends to turn to. My husband’s family continued to interfere in our marriage and our lives and I could do nothing right in their eyes. My husband’s drinking escalated and things deteriorated very quickly. Weekend parties with copious amounts of alcohol and marijuana became the order of the day in our home, where my husband would get so drunk that he’d end up stripping naked and dancing like a maniac on the tables. If I tried to escape to the bedroom he would come and fetch me, saying I was an unsupportive and unloving wife. He would belittle and ridicule me in front of his friends and then relay stories to his family members on the Monday which were fabricated and exaggerated, and I’d face more disapproval. I lost count of the amount of times he hid away the car keys so I could not get off the farm and I became more and more isolated. During these lock-down sessions he would also lock the telephone, so I could not call anyone. I was not permitted to work and earn an income. If I ever needed anything of a personal nature he would give me money which he recorded in a ledger and ever so often he’d haul out the ledger and show me what I cost him. Years later stories filtered back to me from some of his cousins. Apparently they were all told that I was crazy, spent all his money and refused to cook meals for him, preferring to buy takeouts all the time.

One Christmas Eve when my children were almost two and four years old, we went out to a party to celebrate the season. As usual my husband got very drunk and abusive and accused me of having an affair with someone at the party whom he’d seen me talking to (I was periodically accused of having affairs). He hauled me to the car with the kids and drove us home in his drunken state. When we arrived at home he locked himself in the car with the kids as soon as I got out and threatened to kill them. I became hysterical and pleaded with him to open the car so I could get the children. Eventually, with a brick in hand, I was threatening to smash the car windows to get my kids out and he reluctantly unlocked the door. I grabbed my children and raced off into the house and locked the three of us up in the spare bedroom. Minutes later he was pounding on the door, threatening to kill us all. Eventually he gave up and everything became quiet. About 20 minutes later I heard a gun shot and was convinced that he’d shot himself, but was too afraid to leave the room in case he was waiting for me with the gun. So I waited for the morning until the farm staff arrived before coming out of the bedroom. I found him in the living room sleeping off his hangover, with the front door wide open. Outside were the ashes of a bon-fire he had made. He had taken all the Christmas presents under the tree and burned them in the fire, together with all the framed family portraits that were hanging up around the house. It was then that I realised if I didn’t leave he would kill me.

I waited a few days for the dust to settle and I went to see an attorney and instigated divorce proceedings. I had nowhere to go to, no qualifications, no supportive family and no money. But I knew that I had to make a plan or I was screwed. While I was plotting my escape, my husband wasted no time in finding a replacement for me and went to see his girlfriend Thayda every night, which gave me the space to get the ball rolling. Everyone in Kenton-on-Sea knew he was seeing her and he wasn’t shy about it. But I was actually grateful for the situation because it meant that he was focused elsewhere. Thanks to his girlfriend, I was able to leave with my children without a huge fuss and I couldn’t get away fast enough. At the time I was too naive to know what he meant when he said “I will make these children hate you.” I brushed off his threatening comments and eagerly drove off into the sunrise.

A few months later I was settled into a job in Cape Town and living in a small apartment with my kids. I was struggling financially but I was free. Free from the alcoholic abusive mad-man, free from the paedophile father-in-law, the zealous and false born-again Christian mother-in-law and free from the Poisonous Sisters. My soon-to-be ex-husband paid no child support as he felt that the car he had allowed me to have was plenty payment and said if I wanted to live on my own, I had to pay my own way. After leaving my husband and the incestuous family, I drummed sex education into my children’s heads day in and day out. I taught them about good and bad touches and encouraged them to be vocal if anyone ever tried to touch them sexually or inappropriately.

PART 3

“Within a fundamentalist family cult, autonomy is the enemy, for if one begins to think and reason independently, the entire family dynamic is threatened. Cultivating co-dependency is an effective way to at least challenge the onset of autonomous behaviour; in addition, language such as "always""never" and others allude to extremes and reinforce co-dependency. Some refer to this as covert or emotional incest—the use of a child by a parent or sibling to meet psychological, emotional, non-sexual, or religious adult needs. As a result of co-dependency or enmeshment, lack of emotional and physical boundaries occurs.” Hilary McFarlane.

(The most disturbing photograph I ever saw: My ex- mother & father-in-law with their 5 children and 12 of their grand children. I know for a fact that there were MANY other children in the community and at Riet River that were molested by him too. How many shattered lives there are today because of that man we will never know. Taken at their Riet River Cottage conveniently called THE HAREM)


In 1994 I fell pregnant with my third child. My ex-husband was trying to get custody of my kids yet again and this time his zealous mother got involved. She wrote a defamatory letter to Child Services stating that I was a Satanist and I was visited in my home and put under severe and stressful scrutiny. Needless to say the Child Services Officer was satisfied that the allegations were false and left. In 1995 I found myself raising three children as a single mom and juggling career and motherhood. I didn’t know if I was Arthur or Martha and slowly sunk into a deep depression. With no child support from my children’s fathers, or support from my own family, I was pushed to my limits while trying to keep my head above water.

My ex-husband realized that I was slowly unravelling and put a lot of pressure on me to allow the older children to live with him. The more I refused, the deeper he dug his heels in and the bigger the promises made to my kids, including a horse and a motorbike if they agreed to live with him. Soon I had all three of them nagging me 24/7. Eventually I couldn’t stand the pressure anymore and I stupidly gave in. At the time I didn’t realize the extent of the evil in his family, nor did I consider that he’d try to make good on his promise to poison my kids against me.

When my baby was two years old, my older kids, who were nine and eleven at the time, moved to their father. And that is where the problems really began. At the time I was too depressed and naive to realize that I was letting my children return to a cultic family. It was only years later when I went into therapy and began my healing journey did I even begin to understand the dynamics of that dark and twisted family. Before my children left I sat them down to explain to them exactly what their grandfather was. I told my daughter what had happened to her when she was a baby and made them understand that under no circumstances were they ever allowed to be alone with him and why. My ex husband also promised me that he would never leave them alone with his father.

During the time my children lived with their father they were constantly told by my ex-husband and his family what an evil, neglectful and crazy mother I was, that I had taken my husband to the cleaners and caused him to lose his business, when the truth was that I had left with a few items of cheap furniture, the family car (which he later took back) and our clothes. I never asked for a cent in the divorce settlement and he hardly ever paid child support when they did live with me. During the years my children lived with their father they never informed me of the abuse and crazy behaviour. I suppose they were forbidden to discuss anything with me. I started hearing stories via the grapevine which were later confirmed by other distant family members and people who knew the family. These stories included my ex-husband chasing my son with a loaded gun and threatening to kill him, taking nude pictures of underage girls, sexually abusing his girlfriend’s daughter, taking drugs in front of and with my children, sexually harassing my daughter’s adolescent friends and other hair-raising events. I was informed that he shared very intimate information about his sex life with my daughter, making her even more co-dependent. He also made the kids work for his seasonal pub on the Kariega River without any pay and once stole R8000 from my son. I also learned that there was never food in the house and my kids had to get fed by other family members often. Years later I connected with a distant family member of my ex-husbands who confirmed that my ex father-in-law had sexually abused her mother too, as well as several other children in the community. With my ex mother-in-laws full knowledge! Once again my suspicions were confirmed! Here was a paedophile being supplied with children to molest by his own wife! Whenever we tried to talk about or share stories about the sexual abuse in that family, huge walls would go up and threats would come spewing forth. They did not want anyone to know about the evil that they were covering and hiding. My ex mother-in-law is a so-called devout Christian. Imagine what it would do to her reputation if the truth leaked out into the community that she had fed all the children to her now deceased paedophile husband? My niece tried to sue her grandfather when she was older, but her mother dived to his rescue and the other sisters pressurized her to refrain from pressing charges. I battled to understand the reasoning behind all this strange behaviour until I came across Hilary McFarlanes book, Quivering Sisters, which explains cultic families and how they operate.

“When the one place where you should be safe and nurtured is in reality cruel, dangerous and toxic, members experience the full impact of dysfunction. Internalized, this can create numerous maladies, ranging from depression and PTSD to chronic fatigue, immune, and hormonal disorders, to name a few. The rejection of personhood by one's own blood is a debilitating yet all-too-common reality of family cults. Sharing and transparency, lack of boundaries, and exposing secrets are present in virtually every dysfunctional, cultic family. Siblings are encouraged—whether directly or through positive reinforcement—to keep mom and dad updated on activities, feelings, ideas, and any drama that may unfold. Extended criticism sessions, whether private or in front of family members, serve two purposes: to keep everyone on their toes, and to control behaviour through the "hot seat" experience.”

There were stories confirmed by the staff who lived and worked on my ex father-in-laws farm in Kenton-on-Sea. Apparently he would go into the huts at night in the staff compound to have sex with the young black girls. I think rape is probably a better description because I’m told the young girls were all terrified of him. During the period when the incest came out, my sisters-in-law told me that their mother used to lock her bedroom door at night, forcing my father-in-law to sleep with one of the children. He once sexually molested one of his nieces in his bedroom while my mother-in-law stood at the door watching. When he was done she had to cheek to ask her then ten year old niece if she was now officially having an affair with her husband! Another time my very young niece was sexually molested at the Riet River cottage by my father-in-law. She had Chicken Pox and her parents were encouraged by my in-laws to go and spend the day up the beach and leave her behind. How convenient! Did it never occur to my sister-in-law (who knew her father was a paedophile)that her young daughter should never be left alone with her parents, given the history??? I wonder how many other children were molested by these two evil oxygen thieves?

Hilary McFarlane believes: “ Law over grace. Spoken or subtle, the message teaches that "You don't matter unless you conform to our beliefs." Or in other cases, "We won't accept or support you if you do not share our convictions." There is often more concern for submission to authority and to family values than for the individuals themselves. Children who do not conform to the cultic family dynamic are labelled, shunned, and treated as though they do not exist or are of little value. Love, affection, attention or approval are withdrawn until change becomes evident. Within an unhealthy family, where individualism is discouraged and privacy is little to non-existent, the lines which determine "this is where you stop, and I begin" become blurred and erased. Members essentially spill into one another while confusion, dysfunction, and toxicity increase.”

Try to expose the truth of the incest and sexual abuse in that family and out come the big guns. Silence is consent! Many of the grand-children in that family are now adults and suffering from severe emotional problems. Only one spouse of the five adult children in that family still remains. The rest of us ran for the hills as soon as we realized what we were dealing with. The family influence over everyone is so strong and powerful that any individuals challenging the their secret becomes powerless.

As a collective group they continue to protect the dark secrets of the family, still root for one another and still operate as one entity. The moment I left my husband I was branded a liar. It was easier to keep telling themselves and each other (and anyone else who would care to listen)that I was the evil and twisted one instead of facing the evil in themselves and in their family. For years I went out of my way to prove my worthiness to my children born of that marriage, to the point where I began to make myself ill from guilt and stress. I have now come to the point where I refuse to continue this battle. You can have no peace or serenity as long as you are dancing to someone else’s tunes. When you continue to protect a shameful and evil secret that you have been trained to guard with your very life, the future does not spell freedom. True freedom comes from recognizing evil for what it is, standing for truth and not being afraid to speak out and break the silence.

Below is a picture of the rebuilt Riet River cottage after it burned down, officially called THE HAREM by the very people who sexually abused their own and other children over the years. How come nobody figured out what was going on all these years? It's quite amazing how strongly a cultic family will protect its secrets from the world. You may very well have walked past this cottage and never known of the horrors that were taking place inside, perpetrated by two of the most evil people I have ever had the misfortune of knowing.

And below is a photograph of my ex-in-laws on their wedding day. Who would have thought that this innocent-looking and so-called "upstanding" couple would go on to destroy so many people's lives over the years? Perhaps YOU were even sexually molested by this couple as a child. Which is very likely if you ever went to Riet River on holiday and knew the family. I pray that all the children who were affected by their evil find the courage to heal from their traumatic experiences and find peace and serenity.

FALLING IN LOVE

I was recently asked if I have ever been in love before.
My honest answer was no. As a recovering Co-dependent my previous relationships were all with abusive addicts. What I felt was very far from love. A very unhealthy attraction at best, obsession at worst. At age 40 I had a huge wake-up call. I found myself in an Arab jail thanks to a soured business deal with an abusive Arab. It was at this low point in my life that I realized that my life consisted of a string of unhealthy relationships with abusive men, both in business and in romance. And the only way I was going to fix that was to fix myself. That started me on a very intense journey of self-discovery and healing. Five years on I am still single and unattached (although I had already been single for 2 years before.) I’ve come to understand what attracts us to people and them to us. I’ve also come to understand that love is a conscious deed. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard women in abusive relationships say they stay because they are in love with the git. Love is a conscious choice when it comes to romance. You can’t “fall in love” anymore than you can “fall in happiness”. In my opinion you choose to love someone. At the end of the day it is always your choice. If you (like me in the past) keep choosing bad partners, you have to admit to yourself that you are making bad choices. Often we hear women saying “All men are dogs” when the truth is they simply keep choosing the dogs.

Understanding why we choose bad men is tantamount to us making better partner choices in the future. In order to make better partner choices it is important to take your time. Don’t rush into relationships. Get to know the person primarily as a friend and allow a relationship to grow from there. Diving into bed with someone on the first or second date will definitely blind you to their faults because once the hormone Oxytocin starts pumping, trust me, you will not be able to see the wood for the trees! Mother Nature designed it that way so we can continue procreating. But just because you CAN sleep with someone doesn’t mean you SHOULD! "Keep your knickers on and your wits about you" is about the best advice I ever heard. Taking a new relationship one baby step at a time and making sure you keep focusing on your own life and have a lot of your own space is a healthy way to proceed. If your new partner has integrity and a good character, this will become self-evident over time. And when that becomes obvious then, and only then, should you let your guard down. You want to see a potential partner in various situations before you let your guard down. How does he relate to your family and friends, what are his friends like? Does he have good manners? Does he listen to you or does he interrupt you all the time? Does he have a quick temper and does he tend to snap when he’s under pressure? Is he sarcastic? Have you spotted a vindictive streak? How will you know any of this if you don’t take your time to get to know him properly? Taking your time means you will get to a point where you will see the true man for what he is. That way you can move along if it’s evident he’s a dog OR you can let your guard down and allow yourself to develop feelings. So in essence you do NOT want to “fall in love”. You want to take your time and choose whether or not the man deserves your love.

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com

Amour Setter lashes out at trolls

You would be forgiven for thinking that trolls are mischievous creatures that live at the bottom of your garden with your Gnome. But you’d be dead wrong. No, my friends. In this cyber day and age trolls are evil humans who hide behind fake profiles and pseudonyms on the internet and try to destroy people’s lives. You may recall having recently read about Nicola Brookes, whom trolls marked for harassment over her opinion about the "X Factor" TV show, publishing false statements and calling her a drug dealer and paedophile. Trolls even created a Facebook page in her personal name and commented that she was a known sex offender. The final straw came when they published her home address. Can you imagine for one moment how this impacted on the woman’s life? Internet anonymity is increasingly being challenged as bold trolls engage in abuse so extreme it has major life repercussions for victims. If you’ve been at the receiving end of anonymous posters hiding behind the Internet to facilitate crimes like harassment or defamation, you’ll know exactly what I mean. In 2007 I was the victim of a vicious internet smear campaign, instigated by my ex business partner, Hejris Al Shirawi and his girlfriend Angela Recontre in Bahrain. A masogynist Arab blogger wrote a defamatory blog about me in support of my ex business partner after our business deal went belly-up, and trolls hopped on board and added insult to injury with vicious lies (google Mahmood's Den). Ahead of my relocation to Bangkok in January 2012, several people in the film industry in Thailand received the defamatory blog-link from an anonymous sender. You would think by now these miserable bastards would have realized that I cannot be taken down. No matter how many lies they try to spread, no matter how many people they send the bullshit link to, nothing is going to stop me from being successful. Of course, as I’ve mentioned before, the more these desperate trolls try to bring me down, the more successful I become. Irony at it's best!

Trolls come in many shapes and forms. Anyone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion is also known as a troll. Trolls are disgusting, cowardly human beings with no integrity and no self respect. They feel that the more they bring others down the better they will feel about themselves. You simply have to wonder about a person’s character when they don’t have the courage to take you on face to face, but feel the need to hide behind a wall of deceit and strike below the belt. If you feel you have a bone to pick with someone or that they have done you wrong in some way, take it up with the person directly. Or go the legal route and take them to court. But to stand behind a fake internet profile and slander them into the ground? Totally despicable! I sincerely hope Nicola Brookes learns the identities of the trolls who slandered her with their vicious lies, and I hope she gets even. Amour Setter www.amoursetter.com

LOYALTY

Loyalty is a strange thing. Humans either possess it, or they don’t. In the New Age of taking responsibility for everything that happens to you in life, it is very easy to lose sight of the fact that some people are just plain schmucks. While we certainly attract people and situations into our lives for whatever reasons, we can’t ignore the fact that some of the time we are bound to encounter arseholes along the way. There are few things in life that I value more than loyalty. A friend who is there for you in your darkest hour, who holds your hand when you are going through a hard time in life and who encourages you to be a better person when you fall down should be honoured and appreciated. Good friends are few and far between in this harsh world. Most people can probably only count on their one hand who their good friends are. But what does it mean to be a loyal friend?

According to Josiah Royce in his 1908 book The Philosophy of Loyalty, loyalty is a virtue, indeed a primary virtue, "the heart of all the virtues, the central duty amongst all the duties". Royce presents loyalty, which he defines at length, as the basic moral principle from which all other principles can be derived. The short definition that he gives of the idea is that loyalty is "the willing and practical and thoroughgoing devotion of a person to a cause". Loyalty is practical in that it is practiced. Misplaced loyalty (or mistaken loyalty) is loyalty placed in other persons where that loyalty is not acknowledged or respected; is betrayed or taken advantage of. We’ve all been at the receiving end of people who show no loyalty to us, despite helping them to no end.

A few years ago I went through a very bad patch. I’d just lost a considerable amount of money in a soured business deal and had my name dragged through the mud by my former Arab business partner (I've blogged about this a few times). When I was at the lowest point of my life the people who were my friends when I was at the top of my game were nowhere to be found. I literally had only one friend in the world and that friend stood by me through my recovery. When I kept falling down in my attempt to recover, he kept helping me up. When I fell apart, he was there to dry my tears and give me hope for the future. Will I ever forget that? Not a chance! I honestly believe that you can judge someone’s character by how much loyalty they possess. If someone stands by you, defends you in your absence, is there for you in your darkest hour and loves you in spite of your human weaknesses, they are worthy of your friendship. But if they bad-mouth you behind your back, show no appreciation for your assistance, stab you in the back, steal from you or take advantage of your friendship, well, they simply don't deserve your friendship!

I recently started reading a fantastic book called (TRUMP): THINK BIG, by the legendary Donald Trump. Everyone knows how hard-core Donald Trump is. That is why he is such a wealthy man today. But one thing he treasures above all else is loyalty. Donald Trump is a very generous man. He likes to help people. But he also expects people to reciprocate. And quite rightfully so. In life one hand washes the other. If I help someone in life and need some help from that person in return down the line and that person tells me to go to hell, obviously I’m going to be furious and resentful. As much as we would like to pretend we don’t expect anything for helping people, the truth is very different. If we hit a snag in life who do we turn to? Our friends. The people we’ve helped in the past. I’m a great believer in gratitude. If my friends help me I always make a point of thanking them and showing my gratitude any way I can. It’s great to get thanks for helping people, even if you just do something small. I’m always more inclined to help someone whom I know appreciates and is grateful for my help.

I have a lot of fair-weathered friends. Many people like to call themselves “friend”. Recently a so-called friend (I’ll call her Julie) stole something valuable from me. Blatantly and cunningly. When I ranted and raved she had the cheek to tell me I was crazy for demanding she either return the item or pay me for it! I can’t help but take note of Donald Trump’s advice: when someone screws you over, go after them and get even. In the past I would shy away from creating a big stink about people who screwed me over because I did not want to “lower myself” to their level, and I didn’t want to “get dirty”. But sometimes you simply have to fight fire with fire. Schmucks don’t understand any other language. And why shouldn’t you defend yourself? At the end of the day I judge people by the amount of loyalty they have. If they show no loyalty, they are not worthy of my friendship. Plain and simple. Sound hard-core? You bet. But when you have immense self-respect, you expect to be treated with respect. Only people with no self-respect will tolerate being treated disrespectfully by others. In this world you have to choose your friends very wisely. I’d rather have one or two loyal friends than twenty fair-weathered friends. Self-respect is drawing a line in the sand and taking action when people step over that line.

Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.blogspot.com
www.amoursetter.com

WHO IS THE REAL AMOUR SETTER?

Who are we really? Are we authentic individuals at all times or do we hide behind a public persona? Do the people we work with really know who we are, or do many of us work hard at hiding who we really are from those around us?
I recently read with amusement what a cyberstalker posted on her Facebook wall about me. Initially some rather ridiculous comments were posted on my book’s Facebook page, hence the fact that I was able to click through to her FB page. I was referred to as a “con-artist” and “liar” and the comments further suggested that everyone should take the time to google me. The stalkers in question were none other than my ex of thirteen years ago and his current girlfriend. The lovely comments on Facebook continued to be posted everywhere by these two most unsavoury characters, who seemed to have nothing better to do with their lives than cyber-stalk me. The start of the stalking coincided with a court case I brought against my ex for non-payment of child support for eleven years. Be that as it may, I thought I’d raise the question publicly: Who is the REAL Amour Setter?
My ex and his side-kick love to refer people to a defamatory internet article written about me in 2007 following the implosion of a business deal I entered into with an Arab in the Middle East. What ensued is no big secret. The Arab had me jailed for 7 days on trumped-up charges which included “running away” from my sponsor. Suffice to say that a Western Feminist was not well-received in those parts. To add insult to injury, the rotund Arab and his concubine then instigated what he thought was a most damaging internet smear campaign against me. His friends hopped onto the comments section of the article and fabricated some rather far-fetched hog-wash in an attempt to discredit me. I was accused of being a con-artist, a thief and a screw-over. At the time I was devastated to read what these rogues had written about me, but every cloud has a silver lining. Someone once told me that any publicity (no matter how negative) is good publicity, and he wasn’t wrong! After the initial shock of the smear campaign wore off, I recovered my composure, bounced back, and success followed me everywhere . I published my first book, The BITCH’S Guide to Dating, which developed a huge global following. My blogs began appearing everywhere and my rankings began to score high. My business won nine awards, including a prestigious international award and my internet presence expanded daily. It turned out the so-called damaging article actually counted in my favour and brought me a great deal of global attention! I love irony, don’t you?

My enemies will accuse me of everything under the sun, but the people who really know me will know of my journey to hell and back, where I literally worked on myself day and night in an attempt to reach a place of inner peace and serenity. It is also no secret what a diabolic Co-dependent I used to be. I blog about my recovery all the time. With the help of a support group (Al-Anon) and working the 12-step program I finally came to a place of self-acceptance and self-love. In the past I was attracted to screwed-up substance abusers and alcoholics (like my ex in question), whereas today I can spot them a mile away and when I do, I run like hell in the opposite direction!

Today I travel the world as a film director and I’m finally living my dreams. It has taken great courage to get to where I am. I have worked hard on expanding myself as an individual. I spent years making huge sacrifices and I've paid the price to have my freedom. I am not stuck in a dead-end job. I am not stuck in a dysfunctional relationship. I do not suffer from substance abuse problems and I have never been convicted of any crimes. Above all, I believe that we each create our own realities. I do not feel the need to constantly defend myself against attacks from vindictive and resentful people (like my ex and his side-kick). One simply has to take a look at the life circumstances of such people to know that their negative spewing simply serves to keep them locked in their chains of victimhood. The fact that my ex was recently arrested for drug possession just proves this point. I also received some very interesting emails from some victims that had suffered at their hands, asking for my help to bring them to justice.

Am I perfect? Of course not! I snap when I’m irritable, I yell when I’m angry, and I do all the things regular people do in life that makes them human. You deserve what you have in life because you create your own reality by your thoughts, words and deeds. For every person out there who loathes me, I have probably ten people who don’t, so it all balances out in the end. The REAL Amour Setter is simply following her dreams, living her bliss and trying to enjoy her life. Anyone can be great. All it takes is courage, focus and the willingness to overcome your circumstances and be everything you were meant to be. I always tell people that confidence is everything in life. When you believe in yourself you can do anything, achieve anything. What I’ve learned in the last few years is that it’s also vitally important not to give a rat’s arse what others think of you. You’d be crazy to expect everyone out there to like you. If you are achieving great things and being a success you are going to have enemies. That’s life. The important thing is to keep focusing on your own life, keep working at expanding yourself and keep believing you can make it, no matter what! Keep moving towards your dreams because the Universe applauds action.
Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.blogspot.com
www.amoursetter.com
UPDATE: 15/4/2012: Subsequent to this blog, I won an international film award in the USA and upon my return to Bangkok where I am currently based, I was inspired to write a short film script examining the subject of stalking. This script is now in pre-production for an international short film, ear-marked for the top international film festivals around the world.
I'll keep my readers updated by posting up a link when we've completed the film.

AS THE YEAR DRAWS TO A CLOSE

As the New Year approaches, it’s time to look back at how far we’ve come. Each year I do this exercise I’m pleasantly surprised at the good progress I’ve made. In the past I would just live and cope, but today thankfully I have slowed down to smell the roses along the way. 2011 has been a very interesting year for me. I have found closure to old emotional wounds, I’ve made life-changing decisions regarding my career and future, I’ve learned to stand up for myself more and I’ve learned how to take more control of my life. One thing that stands out for me during 2011 is how much fun I’ve had. Travelling the world while making films has always been my life-long dream and finally I’m living that dream. This was the year when I also realized that material possessions mean very little to me. I’ve always had large homes filled with loads of stuff and finally I was able to get rid of my old junk, excess stuff and simplify my life; a most liberating exercise indeed! As a recovering Co-dependent I am still learning to let go and let be, and every day life presents me with opportunities to practise this. Emotionally I’ve had to overcome huge obstacles this year, particularly in areas concerning family members. Learning to love my extended family members unconditionally remains my greatest challenge, especially those family members who are still actively abusing drugs and alcohol. As every conscious recovering Co-dependent will know, substance abusers require Co-dependents in their lives to take care of them emotionally (and often financially). Learning to exercise tough love towards these particular family members has been very hard and I constantly have to remind myself that we do not need to do things for other adults that they can and should do for themselves. 2011 has also been a year of answered prayers. I prayed for a Mentor and the Universe sent me several for which I am eternally grateful. These particular individuals have positively influenced and shaped my life in very blessed ways. I feel honoured and grateful to have met them all. Today I feel stronger and more focused than I did a year ago. What you focus on certainly expands! If you are willing to remain focused on your dreams and goals, willing to make the relevant sacrifices to reach those goals, and above all if you choose to surrender and trust that you will achieve your goals, the Universe supports you every step of the way. I am finally living my dreams and following my heart. It has not been easy. There have been many obstacles to overcome along the way & many sacrifices that I’ve had to make. But in the wise words of Walter Scott “He is the best sailor who can steer within fewest points of the wind, and exact a motive power out of the greatest obstacles.”
May 2012 bring you renewed hope, more strength and courage to pursue your goals and may you continue to be grateful for all the wonderful people and things in your life as you draw closer to your dreams of living your best life!




Amour Setter
www.amoursetter.com
www.amoursetter.blogspot.com